An Open Letter to All Long-Distance Boyfriends of Freshman Girls

Listen, part of me feels bad writing this, but another, much bigger part doesn't care, so here goes. I guess I'll start with the bad news first: you're going to break up. Probably pretty soon. I know, I know what you're thinking: "Not us!" But listen, dude, it's going to happen and what's worse is I'm going to be the one hooking up with her in some sweaty gross basement two hundred miles away from you and your stupid text messages that she isn't responding to. Don't worry though, she's going to run outside and call you afterwards and she's going to cry (maybe you will too), and you'll talk about how much you miss each other and how it's not that long until you see each other again. But it is. Because I'm here all the time and you never are. You'll probably feel good in the morning and think, "Look how strong our relationship is! She made a mistake but I forgave her because that's how much I care." Hahaha.

Oh, but you love each other? Whatever. Do you realize how much older and sweeter I am than you? Yeah I bet you guys drove around your stupid town and said you were going to stay together in college because this was meant to be and all the cynical assholes like me just don't understand what you have. I've heard "Hey There, Delilah" and it fucking sucks. I bet when it comes on the radio you think of her.

You think she likes sitting on the phone all the time? Because she doesn't. You think she likes standing out in the hallway hearing about how your day was while her friends are inside meeting boys and actually going to college? Nope. Sure, you have some good conversations, the ones where you laugh about stuff you did a long time ago, but that's old news and it's only getting older.

I've seen things at Trinity you've only dreamt about. I've seen a girl hook up with six guys in a single night. I've seen people having sex on a pile of hay. I've seen a girl bent over a banister at an Otis Day concert. What the hell have you seen? Your girlfriend's tiny boobs? Well guess what? Me too.

We all know the stories: fell in love in high school and they've been together ever since. That's not going to be you. It's not. No, seriously, it's not. She's going to get drunk, probably very drunk, and then she's going to go to a frat and feel like she's really cool because all the freshman guys who came with her are still waiting at the door. When she gets inside it's going to be like the best high school party she's ever seen, except ten times better. There's going to be free beer, no cell phone service and, most importantly, you're going to be nowhere in sight. She's not going to be thinking of that letter you sent her or the time you stayed up all night talking about the future, because it's hard to remember all that when she's fumbling to type the code to her North Campus room. Don't worry, I can wait.

What it really comes down to is that going to college with a girlfriend is like bringing sand to the beach. It's just not done. So keep texting her, I'm sure whatever you wrote is really sweet. But guess what? She's got me pressed up against the wall in the basement of Psi U and I doubt she wants to answer right now.

Yours very truly,

HSE