Life As a Sophomore: Growing Older

Thursday, 11 a.m I wake up with plenty of time before my 11:20 class. I have no classes before 11. It's legit. I'm taking, French, Elements of Movement, Philosophy about a guy whose name I can't spell, Stats, and Psych 101. I'm thinking of majoring in Econ., International Studies, History, English, Religion, Anthro., Ed. Studies, Art History, or Poli .Sci., but who cares? My schedule rules!11:15 a.m. Unfortunately, as I walk into class, I realize I'm 25 minutes late. Crap.

12:15 p.m. I strut over to the 'Stro (that's the Bistro, for all you freshmen). When it's my turn to order, I see that a new employee is making sandwiches. I allow the girl next to me to go ahead. Silly freshman, she's getting a bush-league sandwich. I wink at the other employee; she knows what's up. Time for my special wrap, I call it "The Bamboozler" . I'm sure they'll add it to the menu soon.

2 p.m. I'm sitting in back of class with my laptop "taking notes." I have overloaded my schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, creating an intolerable amount of work on those days. But dude, four-day weekends! Woot!

3:30 p.m. I take it upon myself to share the wealth of knowledge I achieved in an entire year of college with the readers of TrinTalk.com; it'd be sin not to. Yes, frats are open tonight. No, not everyone here has a trust fund. Pat Rettis is definitely not "da hottest guy at Trin." Class dismissed.

5:30 p.m. Rush dinner at the fraternity I'm soon to join. I greet the 2.5 brothers that I know. One was my Teaching Assistant last year, one is from my hometown, and I played intramural basketball against another one; we're on first-name bases. "Yo, dude!" "Hey, buddy!" "What's up, champ?" they say. Notice they all have nicknames for me? Yeah, we're pretty tight.

5:45 p.m. These guys are so effing cool. They tell stories about making out with girls and drinking alcohol. I share a hilarious anecdote from last year, when I drank 29 beers before going out and then about 14 more at Late Night. The next morning I woke up on my floor . wait for it . with only one shoe on!

6 p.m. Before leaving, I invite a few of the brothers over to blaze later. (Blaze means smoking marijuana, for all you freshmen.)

6:30 p.m. I go for a quick jog in an attempt to lose this weight that mysteriously appeared last year.

7:30 p.m. While waiting in line at Mondo I see a girl from my frosh hall. She complains that I never come by her room anymore. I don't do it because I don't want to listen to her whine about romance and heartbreak, and I realized I had entered "friend zone." She complains about the freshman girls and how she has to basically go out naked to get any attention. She talked for a few more minutes but after hearing "naked" my mind wandered.

8 p.m. I cruise over to the grand reading room to get "work" done.

8:30 p.m. Facebook updated, fantasy football adjusted, and some overt freshman girl-watching; all in a night's work.

8:35 p.m. Outside of Jones and Elton, I hear music blasting. Oh, freshmen. You love to start your nights so early. When will you learn?

8:37 p.m. All right, let's get the night started. My buddies and I each take a turn with "our beer funnel, nicknamed "The Dark Night" (it has a Batman sticker on it). We always say, "It's easier to blackout on a Dark Knight." Hahaha, we drink beer, hahaha.

9:30 p.m. The girls in the quad next to us invite us to go downtown. I tell them it's just not my scene. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have no car, hate paying for cabs, have no fake I.D., look like I'm 13, and frequently pee my pants in high-pressure situations. All erroneous.

10:30 p.m. Road brews in hand, we trek across campus to see our neighbors from last year. This friendship is really inconvenient.

10:40 p.m. We take our time walking by North, just in case some freshmen girls walk out and are magically drawn to our aura - our sophmaura, if you will.

12 p.m. After arriving, we have a lengthy discussion about whose room is "the sickest." Inexplicably, all of us managed to get "the dopest digs on campus."

12:30 p.m. Walking towards my soon-to-be frat, I see my former T.A. standing at the door. I tap his shoulder and he informs me that it's crowded so I should chill for a minute. I ask him if he needs anything: a beer, a cigarette, some cash? "You name it dude," I say.

12:45 p.m. After "a minute" I get in. Once inside I go around and greet all the brothers so they know that I'm here and D.T.B. (that's "down to bro," for all you freshmen).

1 a.m. At the bar, I make snide remarks to all the freshman dudes I see. One of them is right in front, holding his cup out in front of him, waving it around. I take it upon myself to tell him that he's not getting a beer because he's a freshman.

1:01 a.m. I apologize profusely to this senior brother and offer him anything short of my immortal soul, but he declines. I think we're cool again so I go for the high-five but he was distracted by his cell-phone and missed it.

2 a.m. I've been chatting up this girl for a while and she says that she is leaving. Being a chivalrous gentleman, I offer an escort home. She declines at first, but I tell her I want her to be safe.

2:10 a.m. Back in her room I smoothly ask, "So where am I sleeping?"

2:15 a.m. Once her laughter subsides she says I can sleep on the couch.

2:30 a.m. I go to sleep and I think about something my Granddad always says: "You can tell a sophomore, but you can't tell a sophomore anything." Psh, sounds like something a freshman would say.

8:30 a.m. As I walk back to my room I see someone, obviously lost, on the Long Walk. They ask me where Williams is. "Oh, are you a freshman?" I ask. "No, I'm an adjunct professor.